Where in the hell are my maternity clothes?

We've looked all through the garage and they are nowhere to be found. I don't know why anyone would want to steal them, as they were very ugly and nearly threadbare. But I desperately need those jeans because the ones I'm wearing are so uncomfortable.

Braxton Hicks, you're a bast___.

Who was this guy and why would he go and invent something like contractions?

I have been having BH contractions a LOT lately. They started at 12 weeks and they are so annoying. And, yes, I've been drinking plenty of water, so please don't offer any to me.